Late night music emotions blog

Does what it says on the tin. SAY THE WORD, FA-CIN-A-TION. An unhealthy one at that.

Hang on, gotta change Britney.

P!nk, much better. I'm in a pissy mood, heads racing and all I want to do is go and dance like a possessed nutter to get it all out of me. I'm fucked because I live a life of sin.

Thought I'd do some mindfulness but a wise friend once told me its not a great thing to always try to be your best, sometimes you need to feel what you feel and get on with just feeling. So in went the headphones and on went the laptop.

Katy Perry. Kissed a girl and got better from there. You over think, I should know you're no good for me! Trouble is it ain't so black and white, it's an awful murky grey right now.

Sorry I cannot hear you I'm kinda busy... I left my head and my heart on the dancefloor! Oh too true honey. My head wants nothing more than to be blasted out of it so I can't think anymore.

WARNING: This will not be a nice pretty beginning-middle-end post. I'm a disastrous English student. This is a thought-process post.

So... I've been feeling odd for a few weeks now. Very restless, very outside the boxes of society. I had gotten so in-depth with my Jewish studies I had lost touch with my other inner voices. Not the nasty ones, the guiding ones. I spent a week with some of my favorite people in the world. I got back in touch with these guiding voices. My prognosis: utter confusion.

I am not a neat package. I change my mind. I follow flights of fancy and get so wrapped up in them. I proclaim to the world that I'm one thing and a week later take it back. I'm high maintenance.

I am a spiritual person. I'm constantly learning what that means. For a few years I've believed in the energies of the universe, that everything is connected through energy. We spend energy and take it. You cannot destroy energy but you can convert it. It's a scientifically proved thing. But outside of the science stuff I believe there's a lot more to this energy thing. I believe intuition is based on energies, that if we fine tune this sense we can read energies. I believe we're designed to read these energies but because it's not a concrete science it's a skill thats played down.

I'm currently working my way through Kate Barnstein's "My Gender Workbook". It's a fascinatingly hilarious roller-coaster through the social construct of gender and how we can get past it. So at page 31 I've found a brand new box i don't fit into. Gonna go buy some man perfume to celebrate.

I've been anxious for the past few weeks about different things. About how frequently I change paths and how much I let people in only to have to tell them I'm on a new course a few months later. I'm worried I'll never find what I love because I keep growing and searching and changing my mind on things. I have very little that's truly constant in my life and I wonder if thats because I try too hard to make things matter to me when really they don't.

TBC

I'm listening to rainy-mood.com and titanic piano solos on YouTube and my heart is miles away.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine

"A kiss is a lovely trick, designed by nature, to stop words when speech becomes superfluous."
--Ingrid Bergmen

"My night has become a sunny dawn because of you."
--Ibn Abbad

"In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities."
--Janos Arnay

"In my wildest dreams, you always play the hero. In my darkest hour of night, you rescue me, you save my life."
--Bliss and Cerney

"But to see her was to love her, love but her, and love her forever."
--Robert Burns

"You're nothing short of my everything."
--Ralph Block

"I love her and that's the beginning of everything."
--F. Scott Fitzgerald

"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path."
--Andre Gide

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."
--Robert Heinlein

"It's so easy, To think about Love, To Talk about Love, To wish for Love, But it's not always easy, To recognize Love, Even when we hold it.... In our hands."
--Jaka

"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction."
--Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away; and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart."
--Robert Sexton

"Within you I lose myself. Without you I find myself wanting to become lost again."
--Unknown

"The most wonderful of all things in life is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a growing depth, beauty and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing; it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of divine accident, and the most wonderful of all things in life."
--Sir Hugh Walpole

"Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love."
--Erich Fromm

"There is no remedy for love but to love more."
--Henry David Thoreau

Women

I love women. Love. Strong word but it can only begin to explain my fascination with the female being.

I love their aura, the way sunlight bounces off their skin, their amazingly creative ways of always looking individual and absolutely incredible.

I love how each woman brings something new to the table. How each woman is a nurturer, a smile waiting to happen.

This love first began when I was quite young. Girls were amazing, powerful, clever. Girls could ruin my life in a way boys never could.

I had my first girl crush aged 14. It terrified me. To the child of a strict Catholic upbringing it was worse than a mortal sin. I thought I had this flashing light following me, a billboard above my head that showed my innermost thoughts for the whole world to read and find weird, odd, wrong.

I landed in bisexual land aged 15, telling two close friends who interrogated me. I ran back to my closet but they never said a word.

I felt different. I was always different. I saw things in a way others never did. Like my eyes were different to everyone else's. I saw women. Powerful women. Women rule the world. I became outraged at patriarchal society for stifling women, for hiding us away in our kitchens. We have so much more to offer the world than kitchens.

I always considered myself a feminist. It was one label that never scared me. Not like lesbian. Lesbian scared me. Lesbian meant being harassed by the straight girls, having short hair and wearing Doc Martins. It meant never being understood by society and being an outcast.

I don't call myself a lesbian. I identify with 'gay woman' more than lesbian. Lesbian for me means the older generation, the bulldykes who hate all men and wear vegan clothing. I am a gay woman.

I am a gay, feminist Jewish woman. Liberal of course. Women light the candles, bring in the Sabbath, are a vital part of the community.

Women will one day rule the world. Men are dying off. Most of the Y chromosome (the boy one) is useless. Someday there will be just women.

I'm reading The Vagina Monologues. I want to perform it someday with a full lesbian cast. I believe in the power of women to change the world.

iPhone, iPhone, iPhone. For a long time I debated purchasing the biggest craze the phone market has seen. At first my argument was it wasn't on my network. Then I convinced myself it was just a huge hype. Then that it would be updated so much I'd be left wanting the newer version.

However my desire to experience this undeniably phenomenal piece of technology finally got the best of me. After a particularly hard few months I decided that I DESERVED this beautiful work of metal, glass and magic. To adverts.ie! In less than 72 hours I have myself a new child. And I kid you not (excuse the horrible pun) it is like a child to me. I tuck it into bed beside me so it can monitor my sleep, I have it wrapped in a hard shell to prevent from broken screens.

I am (once again) in love with a piece of technology.

Letter to my 10 year old self.

Hey there :)

I'm not gonna lie to you. The next ten years will be tough for you. I know as things stand now it's not too rosy. Orla's joined the school and she's not doing too well. But ya know that strong urge you feel, the one you don't really understand. That's love. It's gonna keep you faithful to your family when things get really tough. I know you guys don't get on too well now but you will. Someday, the Christmas between your 18th and 19th birthdays, you will get the help you need and you will develop the relationship you always wanted with her.

Sticking with family, things won't get easier I'm afraid. The one solid rock in your life will be Nana, and you'll see her a lot less after primary school. Mum will have to give up her job for health reasons and you'll go home after school, which will be cool until you realise the woman who's mothered you all your life is the one who's care you've just left.

Dad will be Dad. Until you start sixth year, when seemingly out of the blue he's diagnosed with advanced cancer of the colon. Your role changes so much in a short space of time. You will realise the marriage your parents have, the one that you knew wasn't perfect is infact on it's last legs, being held up by your mothers sense of obligation to mind the man she once loved as he goes through intensive and invasive treatments for the next 18 months. You will become head of the house, confidant to Mum and Orla, and you will slowly drift away from Dad. Once he's better you will feel like you've no place in this new family. Because the hard truth is you expected him to die. Everyone did. It's gonna take a long time and some therapy to begin to accept this new life, and I can't tell you how it ends.

As I said earlier Mum is no longer working. She will battle with her employers to make them believe she's really ill and your life will be no stranger to checkups and medicals being regular conversation topics. She will be your main block, the one you rebel against during your angsty teen years (13 to... well I have my moments) but you will grow closer, especially when Dad gets sick and Orla started rebelling. The relationship will never be healthy. You will get brief glimpses of a normal mother-daughter relationship but you will slowly learn that Mum has a plethora of her own issues that you can never fix.

Your physical health is not something that will trouble you too much in the next ten years. You're going to be a beautifully curvaceous woman, and men (and women) will find you very attractive. It's something you're not going to believe in anytime soon though. Through all these battles you will develop a great personality, despite being repressed by peers for a long time. Your personality will rarely be seen by those closest to you and you will unfortunately spend a lot of time feeling very undervalued. This lack of appreciation will hugely impact on your self confidence and you won't believe in yourself at all until Transition Year. Then a wonderful teacher will enter your life and introduce you to drama, theater and the stage. He will remain in your life for two years and will be an amazing friend and mentor.

You will battle with what you want and what's good for you for a long time, until the two seem to align as you turn twenty. College will be a rocky road and your mental health will deteriorate to it's lowest after you leave school. Who'd have known it was that important?!

You will first feel dark feelings the summer after your 14th birthday. You won't really understand it but you won't hurt yourself. The books are a good idea by the way.

These feelings won't resurface in such an obvious way until you go to University in Maynooth and your world changes entirely. Though the course interests you, you'll know immediately that it's not what you want to do as a career. And without teachers spoon-feeding you in college you will fall behind very quickly. You won't realise until two years later that this is due to confidence issues and a tenancy to procrastinate. You will cry. A lot. Not in front of anyone at first but once you realise you're in trouble you don't hide it anymore. This will shake Mum and Dad to the core. Your depression will rarely be talked about and this will annoy you but it's the way they were raised.

I'm painting a grim picture aren't I? While there will be a lot of crap in your next ten years there will also be good. When you're twelve you'll get a puppy. He'll be called Scamp and you will adore him. When you're sixteen you'll discover one of the true loves of your life, the stage. You may not always want to be on it but it will be a memorable experience, and backstage is just as much fun. Technology will be another passion of yours. You will become fairly computer literate as the years progress and the internet will be come an invaluable resource. Because of this you'll try out a Multimedia course. Sounds like the perfect blend of the two doesn't it?

This is why you end up going to Maynooth to study. You will maintain average grades throughout secondary school, nothing to low to attract attention but they will label you lazy. You are not lazy. You'll find passions in your life that will set you on fire but unfortunately those passions aren't contained in your school curriculum. However Maynooth brings two very important people into your life, Chris and Joe. You'll befriend them in the canteen during induction and they will go on to save your life. In every way a life can be saved. They will be two of your best friends.

The time after school won't be easy. Routine held you together for years, it's a very easy thing to hide in. Your mental health will trouble you but you are smart enough and have such strength that you will know what you need to do. Therapists will marvel at your strength. You yourself will only begin to see it when you turn 20. Therapy is a scary thing but everybody needs a little help sometimes. Let them in.

In 2nd year things will take a turn for the confusing. You'll start looking at girls. This, to you, will be called admiration. Until third year when you confess that you have a crush to two friends who ask so many questions it closets you again. You will have boyfriends, your first kiss will be worth waiting for. I wish I could say the same about everything but you will learn that, for you, men are better as friends. You will start researching, something you're very good at, and through clicking links you will find a youth group in Dublin. Considering things with men haven't worked out too well you decide anything's worth a shot and you muster up the courage to go along one Sunday afternoon. It's the right decision. You find a whole new life, one you fit into. It won't always be easy but you will find yourself and through all that, happiness.

This letter will change. I may add. I'll try not to take away.

Take all the opportunities they offer you. It may be scary, but it won't bite.

Good luck my dear friend.

Love,

Your 21 year old self

X x