I'm not gonna lie to you. The next ten years will be tough for you. I know as things stand now it's not too rosy. Orla's joined the school and she's not doing too well. But ya know that strong urge you feel, the one you don't really understand. That's love. It's gonna keep you faithful to your family when things get really tough. I know you guys don't get on too well now but you will. Someday, the Christmas between your 18th and 19th birthdays, you will get the help you need and you will develop the relationship you always wanted with her.
Sticking with family, things won't get easier I'm afraid. The one solid rock in your life will be Nana, and you'll see her a lot less after primary school. Mum will have to give up her job for health reasons and you'll go home after school, which will be cool until you realise the woman who's mothered you all your life is the one who's care you've just left.
Dad will be Dad. Until you start sixth year, when seemingly out of the blue he's diagnosed with advanced cancer of the colon. Your role changes so much in a short space of time. You will realise the marriage your parents have, the one that you knew wasn't perfect is infact on it's last legs, being held up by your mothers sense of obligation to mind the man she once loved as he goes through intensive and invasive treatments for the next 18 months. You will become head of the house, confidant to Mum and Orla, and you will slowly drift away from Dad. Once he's better you will feel like you've no place in this new family. Because the hard truth is you expected him to die. Everyone did. It's gonna take a long time and some therapy to begin to accept this new life, and I can't tell you how it ends.
As I said earlier Mum is no longer working. She will battle with her employers to make them believe she's really ill and your life will be no stranger to checkups and medicals being regular conversation topics. She will be your main block, the one you rebel against during your angsty teen years (13 to... well I have my moments) but you will grow closer, especially when Dad gets sick and Orla started rebelling. The relationship will never be healthy. You will get brief glimpses of a normal mother-daughter relationship but you will slowly learn that Mum has a plethora of her own issues that you can never fix.
Your physical health is not something that will trouble you too much in the next ten years. You're going to be a beautifully curvaceous woman, and men (and women) will find you very attractive. It's something you're not going to believe in anytime soon though. Through all these battles you will develop a great personality, despite being repressed by peers for a long time. Your personality will rarely be seen by those closest to you and you will unfortunately spend a lot of time feeling very undervalued. This lack of appreciation will hugely impact on your self confidence and you won't believe in yourself at all until Transition Year. Then a wonderful teacher will enter your life and introduce you to drama, theater and the stage. He will remain in your life for two years and will be an amazing friend and mentor.
You will battle with what you want and what's good for you for a long time, until the two seem to align as you turn twenty. College will be a rocky road and your mental health will deteriorate to it's lowest after you leave school. Who'd have known it was that important?!
You will first feel dark feelings the summer after your 14th birthday. You won't really understand it but you won't hurt yourself. The books are a good idea by the way.
These feelings won't resurface in such an obvious way until you go to University in Maynooth and your world changes entirely. Though the course interests you, you'll know immediately that it's not what you want to do as a career. And without teachers spoon-feeding you in college you will fall behind very quickly. You won't realise until two years later that this is due to confidence issues and a tenancy to procrastinate. You will cry. A lot. Not in front of anyone at first but once you realise you're in trouble you don't hide it anymore. This will shake Mum and Dad to the core. Your depression will rarely be talked about and this will annoy you but it's the way they were raised.
I'm painting a grim picture aren't I? While there will be a lot of crap in your next ten years there will also be good. When you're twelve you'll get a puppy. He'll be called Scamp and you will adore him. When you're sixteen you'll discover one of the true loves of your life, the stage. You may not always want to be on it but it will be a memorable experience, and backstage is just as much fun. Technology will be another passion of yours. You will become fairly computer literate as the years progress and the internet will be come an invaluable resource. Because of this you'll try out a Multimedia course. Sounds like the perfect blend of the two doesn't it?
This is why you end up going to Maynooth to study. You will maintain average grades throughout secondary school, nothing to low to attract attention but they will label you lazy. You are not lazy. You'll find passions in your life that will set you on fire but unfortunately those passions aren't contained in your school curriculum. However Maynooth brings two very important people into your life, Chris and Joe. You'll befriend them in the canteen during induction and they will go on to save your life. In every way a life can be saved. They will be two of your best friends.
The time after school won't be easy. Routine held you together for years, it's a very easy thing to hide in. Your mental health will trouble you but you are smart enough and have such strength that you will know what you need to do. Therapists will marvel at your strength. You yourself will only begin to see it when you turn 20. Therapy is a scary thing but everybody needs a little help sometimes. Let them in.
In 2nd year things will take a turn for the confusing. You'll start looking at girls. This, to you, will be called admiration. Until third year when you confess that you have a crush to two friends who ask so many questions it closets you again. You will have boyfriends, your first kiss will be worth waiting for. I wish I could say the same about everything but you will learn that, for you, men are better as friends. You will start researching, something you're very good at, and through clicking links you will find a youth group in Dublin. Considering things with men haven't worked out too well you decide anything's worth a shot and you muster up the courage to go along one Sunday afternoon. It's the right decision. You find a whole new life, one you fit into. It won't always be easy but you will find yourself and through all that, happiness.
This letter will change. I may add. I'll try not to take away.
Take all the opportunities they offer you. It may be scary, but it won't bite.
Good luck my dear friend.
Love,
Your 21 year old self
X x
