Late night music emotions blog

Does what it says on the tin. SAY THE WORD, FA-CIN-A-TION. An unhealthy one at that.

Hang on, gotta change Britney.

P!nk, much better. I'm in a pissy mood, heads racing and all I want to do is go and dance like a possessed nutter to get it all out of me. I'm fucked because I live a life of sin.

Thought I'd do some mindfulness but a wise friend once told me its not a great thing to always try to be your best, sometimes you need to feel what you feel and get on with just feeling. So in went the headphones and on went the laptop.

Katy Perry. Kissed a girl and got better from there. You over think, I should know you're no good for me! Trouble is it ain't so black and white, it's an awful murky grey right now.

Sorry I cannot hear you I'm kinda busy... I left my head and my heart on the dancefloor! Oh too true honey. My head wants nothing more than to be blasted out of it so I can't think anymore.

WARNING: This will not be a nice pretty beginning-middle-end post. I'm a disastrous English student. This is a thought-process post.

So... I've been feeling odd for a few weeks now. Very restless, very outside the boxes of society. I had gotten so in-depth with my Jewish studies I had lost touch with my other inner voices. Not the nasty ones, the guiding ones. I spent a week with some of my favorite people in the world. I got back in touch with these guiding voices. My prognosis: utter confusion.

I am not a neat package. I change my mind. I follow flights of fancy and get so wrapped up in them. I proclaim to the world that I'm one thing and a week later take it back. I'm high maintenance.

I am a spiritual person. I'm constantly learning what that means. For a few years I've believed in the energies of the universe, that everything is connected through energy. We spend energy and take it. You cannot destroy energy but you can convert it. It's a scientifically proved thing. But outside of the science stuff I believe there's a lot more to this energy thing. I believe intuition is based on energies, that if we fine tune this sense we can read energies. I believe we're designed to read these energies but because it's not a concrete science it's a skill thats played down.

I'm currently working my way through Kate Barnstein's "My Gender Workbook". It's a fascinatingly hilarious roller-coaster through the social construct of gender and how we can get past it. So at page 31 I've found a brand new box i don't fit into. Gonna go buy some man perfume to celebrate.

I've been anxious for the past few weeks about different things. About how frequently I change paths and how much I let people in only to have to tell them I'm on a new course a few months later. I'm worried I'll never find what I love because I keep growing and searching and changing my mind on things. I have very little that's truly constant in my life and I wonder if thats because I try too hard to make things matter to me when really they don't.

TBC