Day 4 – The first person you came out to and that story

As I said in Day 3 I tried to tell friends when I was 15. They were convinced I liked somebody in my class and were on at me to tell them who. So I told them I'd made a mistake, I wasn't gay.

The next time I ventured out of the closet I was more sure. I was 19, and it was during my 6 months of 'finding the problem' I'd taken after splitting up with my long term boyfriend. I don't remember the exact details, I was shit scared to actually say it. I was out on a drive round town with a friend and my little sister. I made some comment after we'd passed The George pub and my sister asked me outright if I was gay, to which I replied yes, I was. It felt like forever waiting for her response, but in fact it was merely a few seconds. Again, I don't remember her exact words but it was something along the lines of 'Cool.'.

It was around that time that I joined BeLonG To, the LGBT youth services in Dublin. Soon after I came out to my folks and slowly to everybody else in my life.

Day 3 – How old were you when you knew? What was that like for you?

I knew knew when I was 14. I'd been a sheltered child and I'd known I was different from about age 8 but it took me 6 years to realise what that difference was. It was hard at first, I felt alone and I didn't dare even let myself think about it in case somebody guessed. I put it to the back of my mind and continued trying to blend into the wall.

I tried to tell friends when I was 15 but they didn't understand so back into the closet I went. When I was 16 and doing my Transition Year one of the boys in our inter-school play had a crush on me. I was flattered, nobody had ever looked at me like that or wanted to hang out with me. So we dated but it never felt right. We broke up a few months later and he is still a good friend of mine. I was set up with another boy when I was in my final year of secondary school, a friend of a friends boyfriend. We dated for 18 months, my longest relationship to date. It was easy, we got on well and just plodded on. But I knew it wasn't what I wanted.

I finished secondary and went to university, a good deal away from home, but I was commuting. Away from the routine and regime of school I fell under very quickly and got very depressed. Once I'd been put on anti-depressants I began to realise that I was leading my then boyfriend along and I wasn't happy in our relationship. It killed me but I broke up with him. I spent the next 6 months figuring out what it was I wanted.

And the rest is for another blog.

Day 2 – Did you have any experiences as a child that might have foreshadowed your sexuality?

Apparently (as I have memory issues) when I was 5 I turned to my Mum and aunts and told them that when I grew up I would have loads of babies but I wasn't getting married. Mum says now she should have guessed back then.

To be honest, I led a very sheltered childhood. I always knew I was different but I didn't have the world knowledge to put words on how I felt.

Day 1 – Your sexual orientation or gender identity. Be creative in your definition.

This is something that is always changing for me and probably always will. My current definition of my sexual orientation is homo-flexible: I'm gay but shit happens. I've dated bio males, transguys, butch women, femme women, Americans, I've been around the block and then some. I sway towards pansexual:a person who participates in (or is open to) sexual activities of many kinds, but that doesn't sit right with who I am at the moment.

My gender identity is something I've been pondering for a few months, what it means to be a woman or a man, gender-queer, trans, or just in between. I am biologically a woman and many of my behaviours and tenancies follow that of what society has taught women to be. However as a gay woman I don't always agree with the 'sight quietly and look pretty' default that my gender has been assigned. So I'm a modern woman. A woman who isn't equal to males but wants to be treated with the same respect and given the same chances and opportunities a bio-male would get.

So this became a rant. In short I'm a kinda girly, outspoken, short hair, jeans loving gay woman, who's not afraid of the word dyke, dislikes the word lesbian and is pissed off at society's gender definitions.

Been following a friends blog for a while now and I'm really enjoying her 30 days of LGBT blog series. So I am stealing ^_^ I'll never manage 30 consecutive days so I'll just try to complete it in my own time.

Kudos to her, check out her blog: http://doyouwannaknowhowigotmyscars.wordpress.com/

Day 1 – Your sexual orientation or gender identity. Be creative in your definition.

Day 2 – Did you have any experiences as a child that might have foreshadowed your sexuality?

Day 3 – How old were you when you knew? What was that like for you?

Day 4 – The first person you came out to and that story

Day 5 – Thoughts regarding inner turmoil about your sexuality; Did you have any? Did it escalate to self-injury or suicidal thoughts?

Day 6 – Did you face any problems regarding religion?

Day 7 – How your parents took it or how you think they might take it

Day 8 – What do you think the closet or being closeted means to you?

Day 9 – What do you think about LGBT Pride? Is it helpful or hurtful? Encouraged or unnecessary?

Day 10 – What does marriage mean to you?

Day 11 – Your favorite LGBT book (or one you’d like to read)

Day 12 – Your favorite LGBT movie (or one you’d like to see)

Day 13 – Your favorite LGBT role model/celebrity

Day 14 – Your favorite LGBT song or artist

Day 15 – Your favorite LGBT quote

Day 16 – A picture from your first LGBT relationship or of your first LGBT crush

Day 17 – Your first experience with an LGBT organization or event (Day of Silence, Pride, etc)

Day 18 – Something about the LGBTQ community you don’t understand or have a question about

Day 19 – Butch or Femme?

Day 20 – Maureen or Joanne? (Or your favorite LGBTQ show or queer-positive show)

Day 21 – Political LGBT issue that is closest to you or affects you most

Day 22 – An LGBT image that makes you smile

Day 23 – An LGBT image that makes you cry or makes you angry

Day 24 – The stupidest argument/comment you’ve heard about gay people or an LGBT issue

Day 25 – The LGBT slur you hate most or if you’ve taken back a slur and used it as a definition, ie queer or fag

Day 26 – Your favorite gay joke (we all need to laugh at ourselves)

Day 27 – Your favorite LGBT blog/tumblr/site

Day 28 – Write a letter to someone. It can be a coming out letter or a letter regarding how you hate their homophobia or whatnot. You don’t have to send it.

Day 29 – SHOUT SOMETHING! IT CAN BE HAPPY AND ABOUT PRIDE OR ABOUT WHY YOU HATE HOMOPHOBIA!

Day 30 – Anything LGBT you’d like to end this on :]

Fuck yeah lesbians!

This really resonates with me, especially in my chosen career of youth work. I often feel I'm too 'gay-centric' and feel guilty about that. But if I don't speak out for the people like me then how is that encouraging to the young people I'll work with? Love yourself and all your '-centrics'. Sometimes it's okay to be selfish.

Ahh relationships

I haven't exactly been a hermit (or indeed a slut) for my adult life. More a serial relationshipist. The problem with this is I've been exposed to pretty much every type of crazy there is going and I can't pretend it hasn't affected me. Mostly these effects have been positive, wait a while before getting serious, don't dive in and make her friends yours, don't date somebody to support yourself emotionally, all the things we learn as we find ourselves in the dating world.

Recently however, I can't deny the negative effects my many relationships have had on me. I've had a busy and stressful few months, new college course, a ton of volunteering work, family issues and a new relationship. This relationship is by far the healthiest I've ever been in. But I find myself under stress and conditioned by the way I was treated before. And all of this is coming out on my poor (over worked and also stressed) girlfriend, making things strained between us and causing fights left right and centre.

The perfect partner won't solve all our problems, won't avoid all the mistakes others have made, won't turn us into perfect partners. But they'll make it worth all the heartache and arguing that every relationship will encounter at some point or another.