Love, loss and lesbian drama.

Oh it's been a busy few weeks. I've been living an odd half life, very restless and I feel like something's missing from me and I'm subconsciously fighting to get it back. I know what it is, my beautiful and exquisitely perfect girlfriend has been abroad for the last 5 weeks and will be for the next 5. Though I'm young and admittedly foolish I know there's something different and special about us. It's very different to anything I've felt before, it's almost a quiet gentle completion of me. She's not intrusive but her being in my life has altered me significantly. She perfectly compliments me, and I admire her in new ways every day. My arms ache to hold her close to me again and never let her stray this far for so long.

My heart is a complex and confusing place at the best of times. Old loves, new loves, people too and fro from my physical life but never really leave my heart. I know I'm quick to love and it causes me huge heartache but I wouldn't change it. My life is coming into real formation now, and I can finally see a future for myself, the downside being I now come with baggage and a very real past.

Our past is something we find increasingly hard to escape from in my experience. Despite desperately desiring to run and start a new life somewhere it is impossible for most to achieve this. I think the best most of us can hope for is someone who accepts our past and can see forwards in the same direction you do.

This is gonna be another one about growth. We're growing all the time but different parts of us grow at different times and different rates. My body, as it is, has done most of it's growing. But my mind, my spiritual and emotional selves, are going through a period of significant growth right now. For me, the tender beginnings of this growth were when I was 14. Not much happened, nothing significant, until I was 19 and realized I was in full control of this side of myself. I could choose what paths to follow, hell, I could carve my own path!

I'm reading The Celistine Prophecy currently. It's about how the human population is entering a new era of awareness and understanding of life. The first step is a restlessness, a knowledge that there's something more. but not knowing what it is.

This theory rings true for me. I always thought my restlessness was unique to me, but it turns out I'm just brave enough to change what I dislike about my life. I'm young, I'm making mistakes. The restlessness may never end. But I'm learning how to live with it.

As children we can't wait to grow up. But it's when we're adults that we realize we've lost so much.

Like being silly. When was the last time you were silly? Totally barmy. Just went with the flow. It's been a long time for me. I propose silliness workshops for adults. It would be a fantastic way to release all the crap we carry around with us.

Life is for living, I'm fast realizing that but I find it hard to keep that realization with me all the time. I'm on a journey, it's gonna be a long one I hope because I have so much I want to do and learn. I'm getting good at letting go and meditation. Recently I left a meeting because my head was bursting. Normally I would have given as much as I got but I couldn't hack it. The real growth as human beings happens all the time. I'm in a big period of 'real change'. My early 20's are going to be pretty amazing if I keep learning and growing at the rates I currently am.

Current reading: How to be a Happy Lesbian.

Current Listening: Silly music from my acorn.

Current thoughts: Spiritual

How did we get here?

Have you ever stood still for a moment and wondered how you'd gotten there, to that moment, that place, that age, that situation?

I'm fortunate to have received some great techniques for stopping myself, pausing everything, and bringing myself back to the present moment. Sometimes it works better than others, but for the most part it calms me down, something someone like me, who over thinks, needs a lot!

I've had a very busy few weeks, mentally, emotionally and physically. All faucets of my life have been through the mills but I'm back, standing on strong feet.

The technique I want to share with you comes from an ancient technique, one that is widely known and practiced. I learnt this technique a year go and I've seen vast improvements in myself.

I call it a Stop. Basically it does what it says on the tin.

Sit or stand comfortably, hands relaxed.

Feel the weight of your body on the chair or on your legs.

Listen to the sounds within the room.

Listen to your breathing, in and out, feel it go into your lungs, nourishing your body.

Listen to outside the room, what can you hear?

If your mind wanders bring it back to now gently, listening to your breath in and out.

You can adapt this exercise to your needs, doing a micro-stop or a longer maxi-stop. The effects are calming, it brings you back and centers you.

Late night music emotions blog

Does what it says on the tin. SAY THE WORD, FA-CIN-A-TION. An unhealthy one at that.

Hang on, gotta change Britney.

P!nk, much better. I'm in a pissy mood, heads racing and all I want to do is go and dance like a possessed nutter to get it all out of me. I'm fucked because I live a life of sin.

Thought I'd do some mindfulness but a wise friend once told me its not a great thing to always try to be your best, sometimes you need to feel what you feel and get on with just feeling. So in went the headphones and on went the laptop.

Katy Perry. Kissed a girl and got better from there. You over think, I should know you're no good for me! Trouble is it ain't so black and white, it's an awful murky grey right now.

Sorry I cannot hear you I'm kinda busy... I left my head and my heart on the dancefloor! Oh too true honey. My head wants nothing more than to be blasted out of it so I can't think anymore.

WARNING: This will not be a nice pretty beginning-middle-end post. I'm a disastrous English student. This is a thought-process post.

So... I've been feeling odd for a few weeks now. Very restless, very outside the boxes of society. I had gotten so in-depth with my Jewish studies I had lost touch with my other inner voices. Not the nasty ones, the guiding ones. I spent a week with some of my favorite people in the world. I got back in touch with these guiding voices. My prognosis: utter confusion.

I am not a neat package. I change my mind. I follow flights of fancy and get so wrapped up in them. I proclaim to the world that I'm one thing and a week later take it back. I'm high maintenance.

I am a spiritual person. I'm constantly learning what that means. For a few years I've believed in the energies of the universe, that everything is connected through energy. We spend energy and take it. You cannot destroy energy but you can convert it. It's a scientifically proved thing. But outside of the science stuff I believe there's a lot more to this energy thing. I believe intuition is based on energies, that if we fine tune this sense we can read energies. I believe we're designed to read these energies but because it's not a concrete science it's a skill thats played down.

I'm currently working my way through Kate Barnstein's "My Gender Workbook". It's a fascinatingly hilarious roller-coaster through the social construct of gender and how we can get past it. So at page 31 I've found a brand new box i don't fit into. Gonna go buy some man perfume to celebrate.

I've been anxious for the past few weeks about different things. About how frequently I change paths and how much I let people in only to have to tell them I'm on a new course a few months later. I'm worried I'll never find what I love because I keep growing and searching and changing my mind on things. I have very little that's truly constant in my life and I wonder if thats because I try too hard to make things matter to me when really they don't.

TBC