How To Survive a Lesbian Relationship Break-Up

Whether you have left your partner, or she has left you, surviving a lesbian break-up is hard. Sometimes it may feel like you may never recover from the break-up. But you will. These tips might make recovering from a break-up easier.

Difficulty: Hard

Time Required: Can Take a Year or More

Here's How:

Recognize what has happened.
The first thing you might be feeling is, "I can't believe this is happening!" Shock and denial are normal in the early stages of recovery from a break-up. You keep thinking you'll wake up from the bad dream or that your lover will return. This is the first step in the grieving process. Once you begin to believe that it's really over, you're ready to move on to the next step of healing from a break-up.

Next you might feel anger toward your partner.
Good, this is the second step of grieving. At this time, it is a good idea to get away from your partner. If you live together, move out or go stay with some friends. Too many lesbian couples continue to live together after they break up. If you can't afford to move out, go stay with a friend for a while. You need to separate to get a clear head. Don't drive by her house or ask friends about her new girlfriend, you'll only torture yourself.

Get support.
Call on your friends. Your friends, not your mutual friends. At this time you need someone who is going to take your side. You don't need a reasonable voice at this time. You need a friend who will nod in agreement at every horrible thing your ex has done. She'll tell you how wonderful you are and how much better off you are without her. There's plenty of time to be reasonable in the future. Right now you need to vent.

Mourn, but don't wallow.
Feeling sad is normal. Yes, it's okay to cry, scream and feel pity for yourself. But don't allow the situation to turn you into a bitter human being. Give yourself up to a year to grieve. If after that time you're still welling up with tears at the thought of her, it's time to see a therapist. Something else is probably going on to cause your sadness.

Get Closure.
Say the things to her that you need to and leave it at that. If she won't see you face to face, send her a letter. Beware of e-mail, where you can write something regrettable and impulsively hit send. If you choose to communicate by e-mail, be sure to wait 24 hours before sending off your letter.

No Rebounds.
It sure can be tempting to enter into a new relationship to help you forget the old one. But if you don't give yourself time to heal and reflect on what happened with the last one, you're bound to repeat the same patterns.

Let it all out.
Get your feelings out in healthy ways. Write them down, make a painting, write a fantastic break-up song, listen to great break-up songs, go for a run. Let it out in what ever way feels best to you. Avoid turning to drugs or alcohol. They will only make the situation worse.

Look at yourself.
What went wrong with the relationship to cause it to end? Every relationship is a two-person dynamic. Try to identify what part she played and what part you played. If you take ownership of your role, you'll be less likely to repeat the same mistakes in your next relationship. Beware playing the blame game. Getting angry at yourself for your mistakes will not help. You just want to recognize what you did so the next time you're aware of your dynamic.

"That which does not destroy us will make us stronger."
Remember this. This is a hard time and you WILL get through it. Look at this as an opportunity for growth and to test your strength as a human being. When it feels like too much, be sure to call on those support systems.

"Let go and let God."
You can't control what another person does, but you can control how you react. Pray, meditate, read inspirational stories, whatever will get you through. Remember others have been through this and came out on the other side and you will too. Breathe in and out. It will get better.

Day 13 – Your favorite LGBT role model/celebrity

I must have started this post 10 times over the past few days. So I'm looking at it from a new perspective tonight.

My LGBT role models change quite regularly, like most things with me! There are a few that have remained constant however. As a collective I have huge respect and admiration for BeLonG To Youth Services. Partly because of the high standards of youth work they maintain no matter what is thrown their way, partly because they have created such a strong name and image for themselves within the LGBT community. When I qualify (ie. when I grow up) I want to work with an organization like them.

On a broader scale I admire the It Gets Better Project founder Dan Savage and all the people who have contributed to the project. Such is my admiration and belief in the project I had this tattooed recently:

Day 12 – Your favorite LGBT movie (or one you’d like to see)

I have two and they were both shown to me on the same day! The first is Boy's Don't Cry.





It's the harrowing true story of Brandon Teena, a trans man in America in the late 80's and early 90's.


My second is RENT




I got so upset watching Boys Don't Cry (I was quite hysterical, it took a half hour to calm me down) that RENT was put on, to cheer me up. It definitely worked, and there were tears throughout, once you break the seal thats it! It is my most watched LGBT film.

Day 11 – Your favorite LGBT book (or one you’d like to read)

Without a shadow of a doubt this is the best LGBT book I have ever started and mean to finish.

Day 10 – What does marriage mean to you?

I'm in two minds about marriage, my romantic side and my practical side.

Practically marriage is about security. It's a step you take, when combining your life with somebody you love, to protect your assets should anything ever happen to the other person or to you. It's a step you take to protect the children you have together. It's a piece of paper that affords you some nice tax breaks and a good status in society. And as much as people say that these things don't matter it is only to a very few. The majority of people do think about these things and want them, secretly or not.

Romantically I think marriage is about promising another person that you're gonna try your damnedest to make your relationship work, in good times and bad times, because you love them. It's a commitment to the life you've both planned and created together.

No matter how marriage is defined or what it means to people I think it is completely ridiculous to claim that LGBT people fighting for the right to marry is destroying it's sanctity. If anything is destroying the sanctity of marriage it's divorce! I hope that someday I will have somebody that I want to marry, and when that time comes that I will have the right to marry her. I will continue to fight for my future happiness, and the security of my future family. I'm only human after all.

Day 9 – What do you think about LGBT Pride? Is it helpful or hurtful? Encouraged or unnecessary?

My views sway about Pride but not about the celebration itself, about the sheer amount of alcohol that the event seems to center around, or ends up centering around despite what the Pride committee do.

LGBT Pride is an important event, one that encourages the community to get out and celebrate being themselves. The day that LGBT people don't receive any form of harassment for their sexuality is the day that Pride will start to become unnecessary for me. But until that day I believe we should be out there, every summer, to keep showing the world who we are.

Day 8 – What do you think the closet or being closeted means to you?

clos·et
n.
1. A cabinet or enclosed recess for linens, household supplies, or clothing.
2. A small private chamber, as for study or prayer.
3. A water closet; a toilet.
4. A state of secrecy or cautious privacy: Two days before the election, the candidate suddenly came out of the closet and denounced the proposed law.

To enclose or shut up in a private room, as for discussion: closeted themselves with their attorneys.

adj.
1. Private; confidential: closet information.
2. Being so or engaging only in private; secret: a closet proponent of a tax increase; a closet alcoholic.
3. Based on theory and speculation rather than practice.

Thats the dictionary definition of the closet. For me, being in the closet is a lifetime thing. I'm always half in, half out, judging each situation, making sure that it is safe for me to come out and show all of me. Sexuality is a small part of who we are but also such a big part, and it will continue to be a big part for as long as LGBT people face prejudice for just being themselves.

Being closeted has a different meaning for me, it means being forced to stay in the closet, either from fear within yourself (but this fear has to come from somewhere external, we're not born afraid), or from an openly negative environment.