Letter to my 10 year old self.

Hey there :)

I'm not gonna lie to you. The next ten years will be tough for you. I know as things stand now it's not too rosy. Orla's joined the school and she's not doing too well. But ya know that strong urge you feel, the one you don't really understand. That's love. It's gonna keep you faithful to your family when things get really tough. I know you guys don't get on too well now but you will. Someday, the Christmas between your 18th and 19th birthdays, you will get the help you need and you will develop the relationship you always wanted with her.

Sticking with family, things won't get easier I'm afraid. The one solid rock in your life will be Nana, and you'll see her a lot less after primary school. Mum will have to give up her job for health reasons and you'll go home after school, which will be cool until you realise the woman who's mothered you all your life is the one who's care you've just left.

Dad will be Dad. Until you start sixth year, when seemingly out of the blue he's diagnosed with advanced cancer of the colon. Your role changes so much in a short space of time. You will realise the marriage your parents have, the one that you knew wasn't perfect is infact on it's last legs, being held up by your mothers sense of obligation to mind the man she once loved as he goes through intensive and invasive treatments for the next 18 months. You will become head of the house, confidant to Mum and Orla, and you will slowly drift away from Dad. Once he's better you will feel like you've no place in this new family. Because the hard truth is you expected him to die. Everyone did. It's gonna take a long time and some therapy to begin to accept this new life, and I can't tell you how it ends.

As I said earlier Mum is no longer working. She will battle with her employers to make them believe she's really ill and your life will be no stranger to checkups and medicals being regular conversation topics. She will be your main block, the one you rebel against during your angsty teen years (13 to... well I have my moments) but you will grow closer, especially when Dad gets sick and Orla started rebelling. The relationship will never be healthy. You will get brief glimpses of a normal mother-daughter relationship but you will slowly learn that Mum has a plethora of her own issues that you can never fix.

Your physical health is not something that will trouble you too much in the next ten years. You're going to be a beautifully curvaceous woman, and men (and women) will find you very attractive. It's something you're not going to believe in anytime soon though. Through all these battles you will develop a great personality, despite being repressed by peers for a long time. Your personality will rarely be seen by those closest to you and you will unfortunately spend a lot of time feeling very undervalued. This lack of appreciation will hugely impact on your self confidence and you won't believe in yourself at all until Transition Year. Then a wonderful teacher will enter your life and introduce you to drama, theater and the stage. He will remain in your life for two years and will be an amazing friend and mentor.

You will battle with what you want and what's good for you for a long time, until the two seem to align as you turn twenty. College will be a rocky road and your mental health will deteriorate to it's lowest after you leave school. Who'd have known it was that important?!

You will first feel dark feelings the summer after your 14th birthday. You won't really understand it but you won't hurt yourself. The books are a good idea by the way.

These feelings won't resurface in such an obvious way until you go to University in Maynooth and your world changes entirely. Though the course interests you, you'll know immediately that it's not what you want to do as a career. And without teachers spoon-feeding you in college you will fall behind very quickly. You won't realise until two years later that this is due to confidence issues and a tenancy to procrastinate. You will cry. A lot. Not in front of anyone at first but once you realise you're in trouble you don't hide it anymore. This will shake Mum and Dad to the core. Your depression will rarely be talked about and this will annoy you but it's the way they were raised.

I'm painting a grim picture aren't I? While there will be a lot of crap in your next ten years there will also be good. When you're twelve you'll get a puppy. He'll be called Scamp and you will adore him. When you're sixteen you'll discover one of the true loves of your life, the stage. You may not always want to be on it but it will be a memorable experience, and backstage is just as much fun. Technology will be another passion of yours. You will become fairly computer literate as the years progress and the internet will be come an invaluable resource. Because of this you'll try out a Multimedia course. Sounds like the perfect blend of the two doesn't it?

This is why you end up going to Maynooth to study. You will maintain average grades throughout secondary school, nothing to low to attract attention but they will label you lazy. You are not lazy. You'll find passions in your life that will set you on fire but unfortunately those passions aren't contained in your school curriculum. However Maynooth brings two very important people into your life, Chris and Joe. You'll befriend them in the canteen during induction and they will go on to save your life. In every way a life can be saved. They will be two of your best friends.

The time after school won't be easy. Routine held you together for years, it's a very easy thing to hide in. Your mental health will trouble you but you are smart enough and have such strength that you will know what you need to do. Therapists will marvel at your strength. You yourself will only begin to see it when you turn 20. Therapy is a scary thing but everybody needs a little help sometimes. Let them in.

In 2nd year things will take a turn for the confusing. You'll start looking at girls. This, to you, will be called admiration. Until third year when you confess that you have a crush to two friends who ask so many questions it closets you again. You will have boyfriends, your first kiss will be worth waiting for. I wish I could say the same about everything but you will learn that, for you, men are better as friends. You will start researching, something you're very good at, and through clicking links you will find a youth group in Dublin. Considering things with men haven't worked out too well you decide anything's worth a shot and you muster up the courage to go along one Sunday afternoon. It's the right decision. You find a whole new life, one you fit into. It won't always be easy but you will find yourself and through all that, happiness.

This letter will change. I may add. I'll try not to take away.

Take all the opportunities they offer you. It may be scary, but it won't bite.

Good luck my dear friend.

Love,

Your 21 year old self

X x

Trans

Kudos to Deanna from TMatesFTM for this quote:

Basically, a radio host called Yukon Jack from 100.3 The Bear said it best. "OK, Johnny Hetero, roll with me on this one. You wake up tomorrow morning and all of a sudden you're a woman. Everything about you mentally, emotionally is male. You like to fight, spit, swear, drive truck, crush beers and belch. You are a man, man. But physically you are a woman. Well, after a week of playing with your boobs, it would be terrible. Your life would be ruined. There would be no getting used to it. You would suffer depression, anxiety and stress about everything you ever do, and would have difficulty keeping a job. This isn't cosmetic. A nose job, boob job, lipo, botox or collagen. This isn't something they've done to themselves, like lung-cancer-smoker guy, or severe-head-wound-quad-riding guy, liver-disease-alcoholic guy, or tanning-salon-skin-cancer girl."

[gender game]
co-written by amy neevel
©2001 Alix Olson.

You wanna give me a shiner
Cause I look like this
And I got a vagina?
See, I’m familiar with this Gender Game,
I’ve played this war many times before
On this playground called my identity
When puberty hit like dodge balls
And freeze-tagged as sissy-fagged
My best friend dissed me- common interests,
Different anatomy.

See, vagina meant quieter, caretaker, peacemaker.
Vagina meant keeping lips closed, keeping bodies posed.
Vagina was silent dolls and no action toys,
Vagina was punches when I played with the boys.
So I learned to take it in the stomach, I learned to Fight to make friends.

And as I learned to make that bullshit end,
Vagina became a slippery slide for my little finger
Vagina became a quiver that lingered,
Vagina became what I looked for, worked for, stood for,
I "Viva La Vagina’d all over the place!"
I revitalized Vagina’s grace, I discovered vagina’s taste.
I became a fine diner. Put my face in vagina after vagina.

And then I was faced with some other lipservice
Putting me in my place
That Vagina should not be liberator.
But dictator.
Of the shoes we wear. The hair we crop.
The palms we clasp. The way we walk.
The space we use. The threads we choose.
Well, I refuse to follow suit.
Cause I gotta confess, my straight jacket is a dress.
You know it used to be a crime
To wear clothes that didn’t scream
"Vagin-A!"
I wear these shoes so I can move with my own easy spirit.
I don’t shave my legs cause
It gets cold. Besides, my legs rebel
Against the bloody hell of
Shaved and sliced
And since when is my body hair something to judge?
Is furry a male privilege-
Or a patriarchal plot by gillette?
I don’t cut my nails cause I’ve got hammering to do.
I’m pounding out my path as I cruise this gender landscape,
As I peruse the choice between silence and
Violence.

Matthew Shepard was bent, so you hang him to a fence,
Brandon Teena was murdered as a liar for hiding his
Vagina. And I can’t even sit
In a restaurant without causing a stir:
"Whaddya have sir? Whaddya have sir? Whaddya have sir?"
I have a Vagina!

Yes, I’ve got a vagina and you can still call me sir,
Cause I can’t cure
This visual disease of yours.
But I don’t give a damn about "Sir" or "Ma’am".
So, in the "F" or "M" boxes they give,
I forgive myself for not fitting in
And blame the world for lack of clarity.
I deliberate.
Penis? I got one y’know. I write down "d" for dildo,
I write down "D" for
"Don’t know," I fill in "F" for
fi-fie-foe male!
Yes, I’m a giant Vagina!
And I am too big for these boxes they give,
Too real for this Gender Toyland
Built over soiled contradictions
With Barbie bricks and Ken cornerstones
Built over the skulls and bones of our Transgendered Ancestors.
Danger:
She-men working above. And beyond. You.

Yes, we are Deconstruction Workers.
We are exposing unfounded bedrocks
That bed us to one sex, that wed us to one gender.
We are overturning those stones,
We are throwing them back.
We are making revolution
A gender evolution.
We are invoking strategy, we are revoking shame.
And we are calling it. We are calling it
Refusal to be Named.

feminism in 2009

I've just read an article about modern feminism and if young women would consider themselves feminists. I personally would consider myself a feminist, but not one of those "grr i hate men and I'll burn my bra" feminists (perhaps because i need my bra, perhaps because men are delightfully drama free).

This got me thinking about the behavior of young women, the way we dress, the way we act, our priorities and goals. I'm going to quote someone who's a well known lesbian icon, despite being married to a man. Singer P!nk, in her song 'Stupid Girls', says: "What happened to the dreams of a girl president/ She's dancing in the video next to 50 Cent". P!nk presents a loaded statement here (nothing out of the ordinary there). Politics is one of the many institutions in first world countries countries across the globe that is still mainly male dominated. Women are looked down upon as candidates because we are still seen as incapable of having a family and a successful career.

I want a career. I have plans to be a youth worker, and to hopefully one day manage my own youth project. I also want to be a mother and a wife, to have a home I can be proud of as well as a meaningful career. I am lucky really because the field I want to get into is very accepting of working mothers and of difference as a whole. But I also in my lifetime want to see more women in the Dail, a female Taioseach (Prime Minister), women as CEO's of powerful companies. It's not because I feel men are doing a bad job, not all of them are. But I want to see a world where women can shine. Where our health system allows us to manage working and children. Where more men experience the joys (and hard work!) of sustaining a household and raising children. Maybe if there is more role reversal the jobs that women do now will be appreciated to their full value.

Because I still believe that behind every successful man there are a team including brilliant women.

Letter to Dermot Ahern

Dear Mr Ahern,

I am writing to you on behalf of the members of the BeLonG To Youth Services. BeLonG To is a group for LGBT young people aged 14-23. It creates a safe space; free from many of the prejudices and discrimination faced by a lot of young people who are, or are perceived to be, LGBT.

We are a vastly varied group of people, each with our own talents, views and lives. But we all agree on one thing. You are not doing enough for us.

A month ago we ran a workshop in our main Sunday group. Our aim was to discuss the Civil Partnership Bill and our feelings about it. The following are quotes and stories taken from that workshop:


It is a disgrace that this country does not allow LGBT people to get married. On all accounts, this is a violation of human rights and dignity, and is unfair to the LGBT community of Ireland. We are all human and should be given the right to marry. Imagine if you were told you couldn’t marry your partner? How unhappy would you be? I am tired of being treated like a second-class citizen because of my sexuality and I know a lot of other people in the LGBT community feel the same I see being denied the human right to marry as discrimination, and that shouldn’t be tolerated anymore.



Some of the arguments claim that marriage is about religion, that it’s a union in the eyes of God. Others claim it’s about the rights of children and traditional values. However, all these arguments are made by people who can marry. They will never know how it feels to be told that you are unable to declare your love in the eyes of the law; that what you have, that the feelings that you share don’t matter.
I’m told that I can’t marry because of my sexuality. Had this been about my skin colour, my religious beliefs, my physical or mental health or even my class there would be absolutely no issue about marriage and my choice to marry in the eyes of the government. In fact, it would be seen as a major violation of my basic human rights. Yet I’m expected to roll over and accept this because I’m gay. Well I say NO.
This isn’t even a gay rights issue. It’s a human rights issue. I’m Irish, I’m young, I’m outgoing and I’m gay. I’m human and regardless of what my traits are I’m entitled to be treated as such. I deserve love, I deserve happiness, I deserve marriage and I deserve to be equal.



I still have trouble understanding why some people have a problem with the idea of gay marriage. And this small number of people are keeping Ireland behind the rest of the world. What are they so afraid of?! We don’t care about getting married in a church; religion is not the argument here. So what is the problem?
Love is blind and doesn’t see religion, race or gender. So why does marriage?


I do not know if I am gay. I feel like I’m being forced to define myself and become limited by my sexuality. The fact that I love to be with people regardless of their gender suggests that I do not wish to be labeled as someone who will only share the rest of my life with someone of the opposite gender if I wish to commit.
It really hurts, that if I chose to become a father with another man and were to raise a child that I’d give my upmost love and care to, we wouldn’t have the same rights as that of a straight married couple. I would never want for my child to come from a dysfunctional family and not reach their true potential. It is completely irrelevant what gender parents are. They must be compassionate, devoted, supportive, intelligent individuals who love each other, and want to share their love with a beautiful individual, their child.
I don’t want to be scared of having a loving moment with my partner and child in everyday situations; playing in the playground, in the park, at the beach, at school, places we would see our child grow and fulfil themselves, like any other married couple would.
There is no threat to allowing two people to pledge their love in front of all their family and friends, in a wonderful moment. If we are all made equal then what kind of equality is this? A civil partnership is a cold contract between two citizens, and you cannot define love this way. Marriage is far more than that and when you truly love someone, would you want anything less?


The Government and church maintain that children brought up in a “conventional family” i.e.; a mother and father will turn out normal. Who’s to say this is true. In my opinion children raised by homosexual couples have a more rounded view of the world. Murderers and rapists have the right to marry and in the words of Michael Jackson “what about us”. We are not second-class citizens.



I feel as if I don’t exist in the eyes of the government that is supposed to be supporting, and representing me as a citizen. Giving us civil partnership is teasing us the same way you’d tease a dog with food. You wouldn’t do it to the dog, why do it to us?
When I attended my cousins wedding last year, I was delighted for her. It felt great to be part of one of the biggest and most joyous moments of her life. The ceremony was beautiful. Her dress was gorgeous. I can vividly remember the smile on her face and those around her. I had tears in my eyes because it was beautiful but they were also tears of sadness. This is a moment of life I can’t celebrate. I had to leave early, I felt depressed and hurt. As it stands, I will never get to have that moment with my family and friends, to show them how much I love my boyfriend. The fact that I’m denied this is immoral. I’m not asking to change any religion; I’m asking to get civilly married. I don’t want the church, I want the man I love, and to have security in that relationship. It’s not much to ask for.




Choice is an essential human freedom. When someone is denied this freedom, it proclaims to the world that they are somehow less than human. We take a stand for choice, equality and freedom. Why should we be expected to live quietly, in a repressive state? We have never in the past stood for this. We fought for our freedom. We were born believing in this concept. This group will not allow injustice to pass. We will fight for our freedom.




These are strong words Mr Ahern, very strong words from a generation of young people who still face bullying and harassment because your government refuses to do anything to make us equal citizens. Through this refusal, you are allowing this harassment to take place and you fuel it, because we are not equal in the eyes of the law. We were expected to receive Civil Partnership with open arms, when in fact the Bill is just crumbs from the master’s table.

I hope this letter can help you understand why we, as members of the LGBT community feel so cheated by this Bill. You are enshrining in law that we are merely second-class in your eyes.

And we will not allow this to go quietly. We will rock the boat and continue to fight this fight until you listen.


Nothing is impossible.


Yours Sincerely,

Gillian McInerney – representing the members of BeLonG To Youth Services

Guck and a Doat

I've decided. I'm going to live on a farm when I'm older. I'll have ducks and chickens and a sheep called Betty. I'm hesitant about cow's, scary buggers! A Shetland Pony would be deadly too.

Of course this is alongside the cats, dogs and children. I've always wanted kids. When I was 5 I turned to my family and announced that when I grew up I was going to have loads of kids but I wasn't going to get married. My Mum now says she should have known I was gay then.

I've been thinking about families since the Civil Partnership Bill has gone to The Dail. I'm finally pursuing a career I really want, but it's not overly well paid. This didn't bother me until I realised I'll need to be earning a certain amount to adopt as a single parent. I haven't looked up the regulations but I'm sure they're very very strict.

This, along with many others, is one of the reasons I'm fighting for marriage equality. I want equal treatment for my kids, I want to have the family I always dreamed of. As a kid I never dreamed of the white dress and the big party. I dreamed of the babies and children. The house with a massive garden, full of screaming happy children and animals. The birthday parties, communions, confirmations, school tests and pictures on the fridge. Going to see a very proud Nana and having their aunty over.

I know I can't do this alone, but more importantly I don't want to. I want to have someone to share these moments with, someone else who'll laugh at me for crying when I'm proud, who'll remember the silly things I'm known for forgetting. Someone to argue with me about the colour of the living room and hold me back from strangling mean teachers. Someone to tell me that rabbits with 4 cats isn't my best idea.

I want it all. Is it that much to ask for?

If

Rudyard Kipling
If

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

<3 this:

http://www.religiondispatches.org/blog/sexandgender/755/

no offense

I feel thoroughly sick right now. I have just watched Carrie Prejeans press release about the media storm Perez Hilton created after she expressed her Catholic views at the Miss USA pageant.

This young woman is completely entitled to her own views and opinions but I don't see how she's allowed to voice these very conservative opinions in such a public manner. She obviously doesn't support gay marriage or equality for LGBT people. And that is fine by me. I'm not going to force my views down anybody's throat. I'm not going to stand up in a public forum and debate it out with Catholic people or any other person who doesn't believe in equality for LGBT people. But the state is separate from personal beliefs. Equality should be a non biased, religion and belief free institution.

I don't believe in shoving my beliefs or my vision of right and wrong down other peoples throats. But I do believe we should all be equal in law and let live our lives as we wish as long as we are not physically, mentally or emotionally hurting any other human being in the process.

Carrie Prejean has hurt me tonight. I wish her all the best in her life, I wish her every happiness, but I want her to butt the fuck out of my life and the lives of every other LGBT person in this world.

Because quite frankly honey, it's none of your fucking business. No offense.

The irish school system suppressing homosexuality

Okay prepare for a bit of a rant. As I will say to everyone I meet I am very open about my sexuality. I am a gay woman, and I am quite vocal about how my school stopped me from exploring my sexuality for six years.

I was always a quiet child, very shy, didn't like forcing myself on anybody. This was perceived by my teachers in primary school as an arrogance, that I thought people should come to me instead of me approaching them. So when I entered secondary school I just wanted to blend into the pale green walls so that I wouldn't get picked on any more. My plan worked quite well, I was not academically brilliant or terrible, i never played sports and I always sat quietly in class.

I was so scared to about anything that would make me different or cause people to notice me that I refused to even let myself think about the feelings I began experiencing for people of the same gender at age 13. It wasn't until I had my first best friends in 3rd year (aged 15) that I confided in about my sexuality. An even then it was only mentioned, never discussed. I believed I was alone in these feelings, or that all the other gay people had some cool club or magically knew each other. I didn't think I was worthy of such a thing.

I think I escaped the lesbian light (that horrendously judgemental light that peers shine on you when you show no interest in boys, or even if you're only slightly non conforming) because of a "high profile" relationship between myself and the male lead of the play in my Transition Year (age 16). But inside I knew I was bisexual at the very least.

So, contented in my relative anominity and distracted by teenage drama and general life, I refused to dwell on my unhappiness and feelings of not belonging. I had never fel like I belonged anywhere, never felt like I had a real purpose in life. Had I seen a poster about young gay people or heard of a website, even in gossip, I think my school life could have been a lot better. Or perhaps a lot worse. I definately have not had a terrible school life, in fact I led the life most bullied young people crave. But seeing how much accepting my sexuality has brightened my life makes me wonder about what I could have ahieved ifI'd been allowed to discover and explore this at age 13.

What started this rant was a discussion with several current students of my former school. It seems that life there for LGBT students is exactly the same as it was for me. And according to many other students from accross Ireland my school is not alone in its ignorance of LGBT issues that its students face, to the point that some schools deny that they have "that" problem in their schools. I can almost guarantee that none of my teachers would have guessed I was gay and a lot of other young LGBT people are the same.

I never want another young person to face what I did, to feel so alone and different because the school system refuses to educate their students about LGBT issues. Lets stop this nonsense and let schools become places where young people can be whoever they want to be and discover every aspect of themselves. Imagine the diverse, open-minded young people that Ireland could have in the next few years. All it takes is the first few bold steps.



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